I was on TW's bike last evening, on the way to meet KL when someone horned at us damn fucking loudly, right beside us. The we looked to our left and there it was, that familiar black superfour. It was SC, pilloning WS. SC was smiling, as if he thought it was very amusing to "catch" me and TW together. At that moment, I swear my heart broke once more. It was so bloody painful, I was on the verge of tears. I couldnt look him in the eye. And WS being the ultimate insensitive son of a bitch, kept asking why I didnt look at them or talk to them. I mean, seriously?! Arent you asking the obvious? Do you think I can face SC? DO you think I was ready to face SC?

I never expected this to happen. I thought I was ready to face SC. I thought wrong. I still cannot look at him in the eye without feeling that wrench in my heart. As soon as I saw his face, scenes from the past just kept flashing by. The times we were happy; drinking sessions, club, riding on his superfour, rounding sessions, very rare dates, HHLL, soccer. Heartbreaking times; that few texts that tore us apart, W coming back for him, catching W and him at home when he was supposed to be in camp, him clubbing the very next ladies' night we were over.. And now, him not bothering about the possibility that I might still be hurting over him. Seriously, that smile on his face last evening, it killed me once more. No words can describe how fucking painful it was.

I feel so bad towards TW. I know I shouldnt have shown how I was so bloody affected by SC's sudden appearance. But I couldnt help it, could I? I was caught completely off-guard. That impact was like nothing I ever imagined. I must learn to conceal all these feelings, if shit like that were to happen again. I really dont want to make TW sad.

Oh fuck hell's sake, just let me forget about SC and move on happily with TW already?! He's so bloody nice to me, I'm being the ultimate bitch by doing this. Ah SC get the fuck out of my mind already!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not emo. I just miss you too much to smile.

The nightmare of me walking into the room, seeing SC and his ex together, came true just now.

The only difference? I only stood outside the door, didnt see SC's face, made eye-contact with her through the window, took my stuff from SW and left crying like a loser.

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Best karma of the century.

Why cant I have a normal family? Why cant I have an average mother?

I've been tolerating this shit for ten fucking years. I hate it whenever you drink, you turn into someone else whenever you drink. You are the most irritating person I have ever met in my entire 18 years whenever you are drunk. You always like to make me do ridiculous things like going for supper at midnight when I have to wake up at 7am and asking me to "come home right now" when I just went out with friends and it's extremely inconvenient to travel back.

Seriously, since when have I ever protested against you going out with your guy friends? Never! Even if I didnt like it, I wouldnt say a thing because I trust you. I cant believe you just said that you want me to go to be a "witness" so that tongues wont wag when people see you, him and me going for supper together at this hour. I cant believe the reason you asked me to go was not because you were afraid I was hungry but was just to use me as a shield. If you have done nothing wrong, why be afraid of tongues wagging? Why must you make use of me like this? I am your daughter. What is a daughter to you? A tool? A slave?

Bloody fuck I cant stop crying and SC is being an idiot, he's not even calling me to ask if I am okay. Replying "Okay (:" when I said that you dont understand, it only means how unimportant I am to you. You dont even fucking care if I am bawling my eyes out right now. I hate my life.

Sometimes I really just want to run away. Run far far away where no one can ever find me. I hate crying, I really hate crying. I feel like shit.

Do you know it hurts me so damn much everytime you always make it sound like I dont care? Do you know it hurts me so damn much everytime you make me look like such a bad girlfriend? Do you know it hurts me so damn much when you are so insensitive?

Why are you so sensitive when it comes to the way people treat you and yet, you dont give a shit about how you treat me? The kind of responses that you give to me when I say certain things to you, it makes me so fucking demoralized and lose all my confidence in us.

Why are you only exceptionally sweet to me when you're fucking drunk or when we havent seen each other in a long time? Why cant you just be consistent? I hate wanting things from you because everyone thinks you're a really good boyfriend already. I hate how everyone thinks I am very mean, demanding and unreasonable to you all the time.

I hate it. I hate all this. Fuck that. I hate my life.

I want to quit school. I want to go clubbing and get fucking wasted. Exams hurry end, I want to party.

Ah fuck why am I missing that numb feeling all over my body when I am high on stuff? Oh fuck. Fuck I thought I told myself I'm gonna keep my hands off stuff. Fuck why am I wanting it now?! And oh my god why this song suddenly play. Kao, 7th month lah dont scare me.

Despite all the nasty things that she's doing to us to make us give up, she needs get these shit in her head:

1) She already lost Ben on Terence's birthday(Ben found out about the other guy).
2) She already has a new boyfriend(well, the one she last slept with).
3) Ben is already my boyfriend.
4) We really are happy together.
5) We swear, we are going to make things work, no matter what shit you're trying to start.

But hell, dont make me start a bitch fight. I havent started one in years. Yeah you got it right, years. It wont be nice, dont try me.

What do you mean I am using your old shoes? For fuck's sake, for someone like you who has been fucked by so many guys(at least 4 different guys while she was attached to Ben in a span of 2 years), you're telling me I'm wearing your old shoes? Oh hell. If Ben's a pair of old shoes, you're a piece of sandpaper with no friction, you get?! Completely used and useless now! Fucking cheap slut. You're worst than a prostitute because at least she gets paid after sex, it's her job. You? You have to buy that guy an LV wallet just to keep him by your side. You deserve not even an inch of respect from anyone in this world.

You can keep trying. Keep writing nasty shit about me in Pool Fusion's logbook. Keep spreading shit about me like how you spread your legs. Keep telling the ladyboss shit about me but heck if she believes the shit you say based on nothing at all, she's a useless airhead so I dont give a fuck about what she thinks of me, since I've quit Pool Fusion. Keep trying to make Ben think that I am cheating on him like you did just because Peter comes to Pool Fusion everytime I am working(truth is, he is there playing foosball at least 4 or 5 times a week since forever). Keep trying to make Ben regret leaving you just because you are now buying branded goods for your new fuckbuddy with the money your dead father left behind for you and your sisters.

We dont care, but that doesnt mean we're afraid of you because for goodness' sake, I was never afraid of such shit. I would be even happier if you really tried to do something more physical towards me instead of little wuss actions because other than Ben's friends who are all ready to fuck your face up, I have my brother supporting me, and we have no problems getting you nicely beaten in Bugis. After all, it's our place, although you think your people in Bugis are big fucks(who knows? You probably slept with half of those "friends" of yours). In a typcial ah lian fashion, "See whose people more zai la."

I'm usually nice, until you push it too far. Whore.

I'm in the middle of Business Management lecture and surprisingly I can still receive what Mr Wee is sending. Haha! I've fucking writcom term paper on causes for youth suicides due soon (I dont even know when, fuck). I think I dont need to write that essay. I probably just have to attach a picture of my Mum, my brother, Ngee Ann and my empty bank account and send it to Miss Fong and I'll get an A+ already. Heh.

I need to find a new job soon, since I've resigned from Pool Fusion, August will be my last month there. Thinking about it, I might miss that place. I might probably miss those regular customers. Hmmm, I dont know if this is the right decision but since I've done it already then too bad lah huh ): New job new job new job need money need money need money neeeeeed mahhhhhneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :x

Car license? Bike license? Oh god.

I'm hungry. Okay my thoughts are everywhere lah. Kao.

Eh, I miss Crescent. I want to eat olive fried rice with egg from Stall 7 vegetarian stall.

Fucking freaky lah!

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/neverland_ranch_investigators

But fucking interesting.

Check out http://sepiapictures.blogspot.com for more pictures. If I havent invited you, let me know! :D

Even my blogger is locked (temporarily? I dont know) now. Sigh. Why am I so scared of humans all of a sudden?

I dont know who to trust. I dont know if I actually have anyone at all.

I dont want school to start.

School start = school work + projects = very busy = no time = cannot meet a lot of people = cannot meet...

I'd rather work 7 days a week and can see the people I want to see than go to school and not have the chance to meet up because we're all so busy.

Do you know I'm sad? I'll miss you.

):

Holding daddy's hand.
No worries about paying for stuff e.g. fees/next meal/transport.
Eating carrot cake with daddy.
No stress from school/work.
Going to drink coffee with daddy and his gangster friends.
Playing tamiya/beyblade/pokemon on gameboy.
Playing Metal Slug on Playstation with daddy.
Sleeping anywhere I want.
Watching daddy get tattoo-ed at home.
Having birthday parties in pubs.

Daddy come home soon leh. I'm really tired, you know?

Haha fuck I dont even care anymore, seriously.

Sarah, we dont need people who dont need us luh. Why you so sad! Cheer up dearie! We need to meet up soon, I love you (:

So, I wont be around much. Work work work work work the entire 2-week holiday away. How nice.

Okay I'm procrastinating while studying for fucking Econs. Tomorrow is the last day of CTs. I cant wait. But then again, my holiday is just going to be work, work, work, and more work for the whole 2 weeks ): Payday payday faster come~~~

I am going to make this place more private than usual. So dont be surprised if you suddenly realised you cant see my entries as frequently as before. That's only because you're not in my "confidential list", or the R21 custom group of friends. And why is that? You know if for yourself.

You were just going to read an emo post when I just gave up. The more I think about what words to use to make it less harsh on you, the more I feel like crying.

Just one last thing; if you dont need me anymore, I can make you mean nothing to me in my life as well. We're all going to make new friends anyway.

Friends? What friends?

Dont talk to me about friends forever, you make me sick.

Police: Girl Dies After Parents Pray for Healing Instead of Seeking Medical Help

Pray lah, pray somemore.

Me: It'll take ***** some time to recover from the break up, she needs time alone lah..
Adam: How about you? Have you.. recovered?
Me: ...