I can't believe it's still so difficult.

Appreciate the little things in life, for you may look back and realize they were the big things.

Life is full of regrets, but you just have to learn to move on.

"You'll never know what you've got till it's gone", truth is, they always knew, they just didn't think they would really lose it.

It's been a long long time since I've updated this space. I just went to read my past entries.. Damn! All the emotions I felt while typing those entries, came back right at me when I read them. The exact same happiness and the exact same pain. I guess it's not so easy to let someone go completely after all.

I'm not implying that I haven't gotten over SC. I know he's the past and he's not going to be the one who can give me happiness. I don't want his hot and cold treatment anymore. I don't want to live in fear every day, in fear of losing him when his interest in me fades. I don't want to have to be blissfully "in love" one moment and thrown right into hell the next. But we're not machines, there's no "delete" button in your brain to get rid of all the unpleasant memories. I believe that we have a choice; the choice to choose to remember the beautiful memories. The times that made me truly happy, will never be forgotten. They are too precious to be forgotten. They serve as a constant reminder of how happy I could be. But I can choose to be affected by the pain that may come along with these long-past memories, or not. It's really a matter of choice.

Looking at his life right now, sometimes I think I don't know what to feel. I should be a bitch, I should be gloating over his sadness that W has decided to leave him for someone else, right after he dumped me. I should be parading in front of him with TW, showing him how happy I am now without him. But I'm not doing that, and I don't feel happy seeing him sad at all. I don't think this is a sign that I haven't gotten over him, and that I still feel for him like a lover would. I think it's basic concern for a friend, a friend in need, a friend who's sad. Though he might not treat me as a friend but I know that no matter what pain he caused me in the past, I'm more than willing to be a friend to him. Having said that, it doesn't mean my feelings will sway, it just shows that I have forgiven whatever he has done to make me feel like life was a waste of time. I hope he knows, if he needs to know, that he'll always have a friend in me.

On a completely different note, things haven't been so good in school. I hope I have the strength (and luck) to pull through this year smoothly.

I'm slowly getting my life back on track this few days by forcing myself to (literally and physically) crawl out of bed every morning for school. I was thinking whether it's really me wanting to do so, for the sake of my education (for your info, I am technically debarred from taking exams for 2 modules due to my bad attendance, which means I probably have to repeat one semester in YEAR 4) or was it for something else. I figured it's for someone else. Yeah, my boyfriend. I realised if I didnt go to school, he wouldnt too. This made me finally realise how much of an impact peer influence can be. Then again, I'm glad to be a motivation for my boyfriend to go to school because he will surely go to school after sending me to school.

The next thing to do? Stop letting him sleep over so often at my place. I realised how scary and two-faced some people can be. Out of respect for her as an elder and my possible future mother-in-law, I shall not elaborate much on what I feel but I will be watching my back, and watching her underhand  moves.

When did life get so tough?

 HAPPY 17TH BIRTHDAY NICOLE KHOO JIN PIN !!!

(Like, finally 17 lah, wtf. Limbu turning 19 alr...)

I remember I didnt like you when I first knew you (you know, when you put 2 loud girls, 2 leaders, 2 dominant ones together, BOOM! Hahaha!) but I'm glad I do now, very very much!

Thank you for always being there, you might not know this but your random messages really gave me a lot of strength in times when I was down. I always delete my inbox but you know I have your "power" messages in my inbox and I always look at them when I'm down. And then I know I'll always have you catching me when I fall! We havent been talking much but that's not going to change anything that we have, okay?

Cheer up girl, you're always keeping things to yourself, that's not good you know!! Everything also must share lah (especially Kimchi noodles heeheehee ah fuck when my throat recovers okay!!!) You'll grow old (physically) very easily! Wrinkles etc etc etc OH THE HORROR. LOL!!!

Anyway, I hope you have a great one this year! 2010 will be an even better year for all of us okay! Love you very much!

I was on TW's bike last evening, on the way to meet KL when someone horned at us damn fucking loudly, right beside us. The we looked to our left and there it was, that familiar black superfour. It was SC, pilloning WS. SC was smiling, as if he thought it was very amusing to "catch" me and TW together. At that moment, I swear my heart broke once more. It was so bloody painful, I was on the verge of tears. I couldnt look him in the eye. And WS being the ultimate insensitive son of a bitch, kept asking why I didnt look at them or talk to them. I mean, seriously?! Arent you asking the obvious? Do you think I can face SC? DO you think I was ready to face SC?

I never expected this to happen. I thought I was ready to face SC. I thought wrong. I still cannot look at him in the eye without feeling that wrench in my heart. As soon as I saw his face, scenes from the past just kept flashing by. The times we were happy; drinking sessions, club, riding on his superfour, rounding sessions, very rare dates, HHLL, soccer. Heartbreaking times; that few texts that tore us apart, W coming back for him, catching W and him at home when he was supposed to be in camp, him clubbing the very next ladies' night we were over.. And now, him not bothering about the possibility that I might still be hurting over him. Seriously, that smile on his face last evening, it killed me once more. No words can describe how fucking painful it was.

I feel so bad towards TW. I know I shouldnt have shown how I was so bloody affected by SC's sudden appearance. But I couldnt help it, could I? I was caught completely off-guard. That impact was like nothing I ever imagined. I must learn to conceal all these feelings, if shit like that were to happen again. I really dont want to make TW sad.

Oh fuck hell's sake, just let me forget about SC and move on happily with TW already?! He's so bloody nice to me, I'm being the ultimate bitch by doing this. Ah SC get the fuck out of my mind already!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not emo. I just miss you too much to smile.

The nightmare of me walking into the room, seeing SC and his ex together, came true just now.

The only difference? I only stood outside the door, didnt see SC's face, made eye-contact with her through the window, took my stuff from SW and left crying like a loser.

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Best karma of the century.

Why cant I have a normal family? Why cant I have an average mother?

I've been tolerating this shit for ten fucking years. I hate it whenever you drink, you turn into someone else whenever you drink. You are the most irritating person I have ever met in my entire 18 years whenever you are drunk. You always like to make me do ridiculous things like going for supper at midnight when I have to wake up at 7am and asking me to "come home right now" when I just went out with friends and it's extremely inconvenient to travel back.

Seriously, since when have I ever protested against you going out with your guy friends? Never! Even if I didnt like it, I wouldnt say a thing because I trust you. I cant believe you just said that you want me to go to be a "witness" so that tongues wont wag when people see you, him and me going for supper together at this hour. I cant believe the reason you asked me to go was not because you were afraid I was hungry but was just to use me as a shield. If you have done nothing wrong, why be afraid of tongues wagging? Why must you make use of me like this? I am your daughter. What is a daughter to you? A tool? A slave?

Bloody fuck I cant stop crying and SC is being an idiot, he's not even calling me to ask if I am okay. Replying "Okay (:" when I said that you dont understand, it only means how unimportant I am to you. You dont even fucking care if I am bawling my eyes out right now. I hate my life.

Sometimes I really just want to run away. Run far far away where no one can ever find me. I hate crying, I really hate crying. I feel like shit.

Do you know it hurts me so damn much everytime you always make it sound like I dont care? Do you know it hurts me so damn much everytime you make me look like such a bad girlfriend? Do you know it hurts me so damn much when you are so insensitive?

Why are you so sensitive when it comes to the way people treat you and yet, you dont give a shit about how you treat me? The kind of responses that you give to me when I say certain things to you, it makes me so fucking demoralized and lose all my confidence in us.

Why are you only exceptionally sweet to me when you're fucking drunk or when we havent seen each other in a long time? Why cant you just be consistent? I hate wanting things from you because everyone thinks you're a really good boyfriend already. I hate how everyone thinks I am very mean, demanding and unreasonable to you all the time.

I hate it. I hate all this. Fuck that. I hate my life.

I want to quit school. I want to go clubbing and get fucking wasted. Exams hurry end, I want to party.

Ah fuck why am I missing that numb feeling all over my body when I am high on stuff? Oh fuck. Fuck I thought I told myself I'm gonna keep my hands off stuff. Fuck why am I wanting it now?! And oh my god why this song suddenly play. Kao, 7th month lah dont scare me.